Charlie Sheen’s Guide to the Top 2011 NFL Draft Prospects
So what would each of this year’s top prospects say to market themselves to NFL teams if Sheen were advising them? Read on. Here is the unofficial Charlie Sheen guide to the 2011 NFL Draft*:
Bowers was an unstoppable sack machine during his 2010 junior season, turning in 16 sacks. He’s a lock to be selected in the top ten picks overall because of the pressure he puts on opposing quarterbacks. The most appropriate comment from Charlie Sheen for Bowers should serve to warn offensive linemen against trying to stop him: “if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
Jones has a special combination of size and speed. He measured 6′3″ and 220 pounds at the NFL combine, where he also posted an amazing 4.39-second time in the 40 yard dash. Sheen’s most appropriate quote for Jones? “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars.”
While Newton’s size, statistics and physical tools are impressive, what sets him apart is his ability to win. Newton led Blinn College to the 2009 NJCAA National Football Championship before leading Auburn to a national championship in January. Newton’s Charlie Sheen quote is an easy call, and highlights both championships: “I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”
Peterson ran a 4.34-second time in the 40 yard dash — the second fastest time overall — at the 2011 NFL combine. As Sheen has said, in a quote that aptly describes Peterson’s abilities: “I have one speed. I have one gear. Go!”
Anyone who watched Fairley during the 2010 regular season or during Auburn’s championship game against Oregon knows that Fairley should make an immediate impact at the professional level. His performance at Auburn’s pro day further cemented Fairley’s reputation as a beast. What kind of beast, specifically? “I got tiger blood, man.”
Gabbert has been steadily rising up many draft boards, including the #1 overall spot in Mel Kiper’s Mock Draft 3.0 (subscription required). Many people may find it hard to believe that a player with mediocre stats who is making an adjustment from a spread offense could be drafted first overall, especially by a team such as Carolina which spent a second round pick on Jimmy Clausen last year. Sheen, fortunately, has an outlook that Gabbert would be wise to adopt: “I’m not interested in what people believe. I’m interested in what I believe, and I believe the truth and that’s what rules me.”
Mallett has impressive physical tools. He has prototypical QB size at 6′6″ tall and 238 pounds and has a strong arm, even by NFL standards. Unfortunately, Mallett has exhibited questionable decision-making under pressure, both in games and during a now-infamous press conference at the NFL combine. However, Mallett’s strong showing at Arkansas’ Pro Day might help alleviate lingering character concerns and rumors of past drug use.
Based on these factors, which Sheen-isms would Mallett select to describe himself?
Perhaps Mallett would get defensive when describing his decion-making abilities: “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.” Or maybe Mallett would finally address rumors of his past drug use: “I probably took more than anybody could survive. I was banging seven-gram rocks. Because that’s how I roll.” Either way, Mallett comes out on the short end of Sheen-based analysis.
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* None of these players actually made these remarks. These quotes are Charlie Sheen’s alone.
